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you could be the one who listens
to my deepest inquisitions.


tan hansheng
queer
dreamer




Archives

November 2012 December 2012

Monday, December 31, 2012

If I am going to fall in love with you, it's only fair that you know what I am when loving you.

I am loving you with my insecurities, and my obsession with trying to figure out what you think of me. I am loving you, with my immaturity, my constant need to feel loved and appreciated, my overprotectiveness, my anti-mini-skirt-loose-top obsession, my tendency to be too naggy. I am loving you with my troubled past, and my hopes and dreams, and how I'm a hopeless romantic at heart. If I am loving you, I love you along with my self-pride and all my imperfections and my perception that nobody could ever know how to love me back.

But, I am also loving you in the way my eyes smile when I'm with you, in the way I'll text you in the mornings just telling you you're my sunshine. I'm loving you through the occasionally humorous and/or though-provoking things I say, and the way my heart soars when people ask me about you. But to me, the most important thing will be that I love you, despite my thinking that it is impossible.

---

There was a time when I thought it was impossible because of your past, and I never thought I could love you the way I did, and still do. But love... is really all encompassing. It was a little over 2am, and I hopped on a cab all the way from redhill to hougang, just to hold your hand and squeeze it tight, just to look you in the eyes and tell you the past doesn't matter, just to whisper I love you.

Somedays, I really wish you'd fight for me, chase after me. Deep down, I've always struggled with comparison, because the way you fought for and chased other guys in your life always casted a shadow over me. I could never understand why you claim that no one has ever loved you this much, despite all your imperfections, yet you would never do the same for me what you did for others who have hurt you and scarred you and left permanent marks in your life. Even when we got together, you would never walk that extra mile. But for someone you only knew this year, you did it in just a couple of months.

Today is the 31st. I know that it is laughable that I should still think that you would chase me, that you'd fight for this relationship for the very first time. If you won't do it when we were together, why would you do it now that your heart's with someone else who you would chase and fight for in the near future? But still, I hope.

And I can only pray.
you could be my unintended.